can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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