That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
