Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
