I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He shit in the fireplace
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
