Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We talked him into tasing himself.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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