the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Randomize
