I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
