Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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