he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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