note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
