Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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