I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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