Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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