He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
