my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
