Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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