This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
