he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
