I'm really into asian looking animals
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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