I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
