I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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