Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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