I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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