Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
All the doctor said was why
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
