we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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