All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
