i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
