The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You ruined the universe
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
