How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My ass is underappreciated
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
