I could have mohawked her pubes.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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