why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
sarcasm needs its own font
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
