I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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