Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
