Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
