Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
The beer is more important than you right now.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
