we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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