Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
