I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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