you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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