It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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