Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
