It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
