this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
