I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
