Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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