She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
