Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
