Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
