I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize