Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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