Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
