Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
