so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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