I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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