dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
