When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize