We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
